Talks NFL Head Coaches Could Give


The NFL’s 32 head coaches at the owners’ meeting in Scottsdale, AZ (Photo courtesy of @NFLprguy)

The NFL’s owners meeting kicked off Monday morning as the owners, general managers, and coaches for each team gathered in Arizona for a few days.

On the agenda include possible rule changes (i.e. the “tuck rule), the announcement of compensatory draft picks, updates and opinions from Commissioner Roger Goodell, and owners taking to the podium to speak about the current state of their respective teams.

Imagine if all of the head coaches had to stand up and give a talk to their cohorts at the annual meeting. Media wouldn’t be allowed. It would just be the 32 NFL head coaches offering insight, advice, and anecdotes. Here’s what the title would be for each talk.

Buffalo Bills: Doug Marrone –  “From Syracuse to Buffalo: New York Continues to Give me Wings”

Miami Dolphins: Joe Philibin – “Bottom Feeders in Attendance: Playing for the Backups, not the Fans”

New England Patriots – Bill Belichick – “Weather Forecasts and Hoodies: Like the Boston Accent, Thickness is Everything”

New York Jets: Rex Ryan – “The Butt Fumble Giveth, the Butt Fumble Taketh: Defeet, Defeat at it’s Finest”

Dallas Cowboys: Jason Garrett – “The Perfect Shave: How to Look the Part on the NFL’s Largest Video Board”

New York Giants: Tom Coughlin – “How to Fine your Secretary”

Philadelphia Eagles: Chip Kelly – “Offices Woes: Cleaning up Reid’s Leftover Philly Cheese Steak Wrappers”

Washington Redskins: Mike Shanahan – “GTTTL: Griffin, Tan, Tan, Tan, Laundry”

Baltimore Ravens: John Harbaugh – “Disassembling a Championship Team One Contract at a Time”

Cincinnati Bengals: Marvin Lewis – “Workplace Violence: Keep Calm and Ginger On”

Cleveland Browns: Rob Chudzinski – “Sadness Factory: A Bend in the Road is not the End of the Road…Unless you’re a Brown”

Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Tomlin – “Youth Movement: From Baby Blanket to Terrible Towel”

Chicago Bears: Marc Trestman – “Where’s Waldo: Dude, I’m right here”

Detroit Lions: Jim Schwartz – “Suh-per Bowl Bound? First, the Proper Hand Shake”

Green Bay Packers: Mike McCarthy – “Gosh, Darn It, Don’t You Know: That’s What Cheesehead”

Minnesota Vikings: Leslie Frazier – “Yo Adrian: Making the Training Room your Friend”

Houston Texans: Gary Kubiak – “Drop It Like It’s Hot: Learn how to Swatt like Watt”

Indianapolis Colts: Chuck Pagano – “Chuckstrong, Luckstrong: How To Ditch Your Best Player”

Jacksonville Jaguars: Gus Bradley – “Fight Tooth and Claw: Closing the Door on The Tebow”

Tennessee Titans: Mike Munchak – “Titan Up: A Way to Buy your Running Back Gold Teeth”

Atlanta Falcons: Mike Smith – “A Tasting Guide to Matty Ice”

Carolina Panthers: Ron Rivera – “The Tortoise and the Cam: The Fluffy Tale of the Running Quarterback”

 New Orleans Saints: Sean Payton – “From Sinner to Saint – Bounty’s Quicker Messer Upper”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Greg Schiano – “Playing the Full 60: Grab life by the ball”

Denver Broncos: John Fox – “A Penny for your Thoughts, A Nickel $96 million for your Neck”

Kansas City Chiefs: Andy Reid – “From Cheese Steaks to BBQ: Ways to Hide your vegetables”

Oakland Raiders: Dennis Allen – “WWADND: What Would Al Davis Not Do”

San Diego Chargers: Mike McCoy – “Don’t Bolt: I’m not Talking Philip Rivers'”

Arizona Cardinals: Bruce Arians – “A Guide to Playing in the Desert: No, not dessert, Reid”

San Francisco 49ers: Jim Harbaugh – “A Guide to Being Gold Blooded”

Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll – “Workplace Safety: Stop, Hawk, and Roll”

St. Louis Rams: Jeff Fisher – “Hygiene 101: How to Make the Opposition Fear the Stache”

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