For the fantasy football players that actually want to get up off the couch and play a little football of their own, there’s alway flag football. There are leagues in every major city across the country, some more competitive than others, but if you play long enough, you’ll recognize some of these familiar
players characters that seem to be on every team.
The Self-Appointed Female Captain
You get to the field before your very first game, and she’s sitting on the ground playing coach in her pink Tim Tebow jersey. With one look at physique and apparel, she’s got the tall buff guy playing quarterback and the guy who has clearly already been to two happy hours playing center. Before kickoff, she lights up a cigarette and then wonders why not one pass is thrown in her direction. Defensively, she yells for her team to “Finish the *bleeping* play,” but there’s a better chance of her herding cats than actually ripping someone’s flag off herself. Her voice haunts your dreams because it sounds like a spandex-covered fart.
The Male Captain (a.k.a. the Player Coach)
This guy claims to have had the perfect fantasy draft. That makes him eligible to taking the steering wheel of this team. He does have some credentials though. He was all-state in high school and his mom still keeps his Pop Warner helmet on display in the family room. Make a “wrong” cut on the field, and Player Coach calls you out right away. No play goes without a huddle. In fact, after a loss you can frequently hear Player Coach say “Show up an hour early next week. We’ll run through some plays.”
The Why Limit Happy to an Hour Guy
As mentioned above, it may be a Tuesday, but this guy has already been to two happy hours. While his friends were stuck in proverbial traffic drinking beer, this guy was in the express lane to Hammered with some Fireball Shots. The wet spot on the front of his shirt proves it. This guy also claims that he plays better while high. As center for the team, Happy Hour Guy celebrates everything. Miss a tackle? High-five. Drop a pass? A friendly slap on the back. Score a touchdown? This is the guy that acts like you just won the Super Bowl.
The Halftime “Reapply-er”
This girl arrived to the game in so much make-up that she could stump an archeologist. In fact, it kind of looks like a clown car ambushed her on the way to the game. She’s a solid player because she’s in decent shape, but as you’re sucking back water during the three-minute halftime break, she’s reapplying her eyeliner. You wonder why though. She didn’t even break a sweat. She’s also the girl that picks opponents’ flags up off the ground and hands it back to them ever so politely.
The Referee’s Siamese Twin
You might as well put this teammate in zebra stripes. He hangs out next to the ref more than in your own huddle. If the ref makes a good call, this guy pats him on the butt and strikes up a conversation about his family. If the ref makes a bad call, the Incredible Hulk comes out. On offense, every incomplete long pass can be explained by a pass interference violation. On defense, every spot of the ball is “A mile off.” If you cracked his chest, you’d see a whistle-shaped heart.
The Fast Guy
This guy’s hands are covered in butter, but he’s the fastest and most elusive guy on the team. A former soccer player, when push comes to shove on fourth and long, you dump a pass off and then lateral to this guy. His spin moves are NFL caliber and he will run a mile down the field just to save a touchdown. Even Player Coach can’t coach these skills. If you taught a parrot to say “give the ball to Fast Guy” it could be a highly successful offensive coordinator for your team. When it’s all said and done, however, you finish the game and come to find out this guy is 21-years-old, still a spring chicken.
The Overconfident Female
This girl knows her X’s and O’s, and she’s fast and can catch, so she sees a lot of playing time. However, she can’t throw and she’s “always open.” You go one play without throwing to her and she’ll let you know just how wide open she was. She’s an asset because she’s your go-to on “girl downs.” However, people call her Tebow behind her back because she insists on only playing one position – quarterback – even though she’s terrible at it.
The Wind Sucker
While a good player, this guy is only good for one all-out effort every four downs. It looks like his hands are glued to his knees and he consistently motions to the sidelines for a bench player to come in for him even if he only ran 40 yards. The way he’s sucking wind makes you think his mouth is the size of a straw. Wind Sucker announces after every play that he never goes to the gym and this is a good reason to go. However, come week seven, Wind Sucker still thinks oxygen comes at a premium. Even his girlfriend on the sideline is embarrassed and considering investing in an oxygen tank for their one-year.