Women Against Fantasy Sports Sucks

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Are you serious? There really is a site called Women Against Fantasy Sports (WAFS). I’m not even gonna link it, so you’ll have to do a google search yourself. I was tipped off to this site by Lion in Oil which posts a direct quote from the WAFS site:

“WomenAgainstFantasySports, or WAFS, was started by a woman with a dream. A dream that, as promised in the wedding vows she shared with her husband, would involve the daily joys of spending time with her best friend, her confidant, her love. Alas, the advent of fantasy sports has crushed her hopes and desires, thereby making her a widow 2 months out of each year. In coping, she has found refuge in the world wide web – a place where she can share her griefs, her pains, and her story with other widows. (Thanks for providing the platform, Mr. Gore).”

First off, if your guy is spending two solid months playing fantasy sports, it’s about time you evaluate yourself. There’s a reason why his “bedroom eyes” are now glued to the computer screen. So ladies, here is a list of possible categories that you could fall into causing your man to flee to the safety of the fantasy sports world:

7 Sisters No Dude Wants To Date/Marry:

1. The Dramatic Sister – She’s so damn loud. A dramatic sister fashions herself a diva and loves to put on a show. She thinks of herself as exciting and interesting, but to the rest of us the mere thought of going out with her is like bathing with a hair dryer. Everything is such a huge production that everyone around her feels drained by the second hour. The ugly truth is she’s an energy vampire; she just sucks.

Her Pussycat Dolls ring tone is set on loud, and once she answers, everyone gets to hear her complain about the tragedies she has suffered. Everyone knows everything about her because nothing is sacred. Just writing about her makes me want a bottle of Valium.

2. Sister Self-Importance – This sister can’t quite figure out why she’s not famous yet. She’s a total star! She is fantastic, interesting, and drop-dead gorgeous. Just ask her! She’s always wanted to give one of those celebrity interviews she loves reading, which is why she treats every guy like a US Weekly journalist. From the moment the date begins, the guy stays mute, nodding his head and making his eyes go from wide to wider. He can’t get a word in edgewise because she just keeps yapping. To him, she is just a bog mouth flapping away, and he hears nothing but the “Twilight Zone” theme. By the end of the night, he’s got enough info on her to snatch her identity, and she knows his name…well, his first one at least.

3. The Saucy Sister – This sexy maiden loves to flaunt her, uh, appeal any chance she gets. With her heaping bosom, and six-inch stilletos, she oozes sex, dresses sex, talks sex, and then wonders why all she gets is sex. Looking nice is one thing, but no one can take two big ones in an extra-small T-shirt home to Mom. Know what I’m saying?

Her hair is usually colored a shade not found in nature, and she often buys her tops in the children’s department. She might, uh no, she definitely owns a pair of clear platforms. Here are some rules for her: the only thing that looks good in patent leather is shoes for girls ages twelve and below. “Smokey eyes” make you look strung out in daylight. It’s cleavage or leg, never both, especially before 6:00 P.M. Oh, and one more thing: please go easy on the self-tanner. You don’t want to look like a sweet potato.

4. Sister Superficiality – In these modern times, magazines and television shows exploit the idea that a woman’s hair color or a guy’s stock portfolio is more important than his or her value system. Here is a rule that shall stand the test of time: the only people who wade in shallow waters are toads.

5. The Sister Who is Really Queen of Control – This is the sister that wants to control her prince. With a constitution of demands, desires, and agendas, men are often left feeling as though their testicles are locked in a tower. She makes him watch “American Idol” when he’s dying for ESPN. He must go shopping with her instead of playing poker with the guys. Oh, and while she’s snipping at him in the kitchen, his friends are in the living room wondering what she did with their real friend.

6. The Sister with the Golden Shovel – She’s gorgeous and manicured and loves the finer things in life – as long as they are on someone else’s tab, of course. This sister never offers to pay for her own dinner, movie, or whatever the night entails. She wants to be spoiled all the time and will take interest in any guy who’s willing to go the extra mile down Fifth Avenue. She tells herself that she is “old-fashioned,” but we all know that this is crystal-dipped Bull Shit, of course.

She likes to believe that she is allergic to inexpensive champagne, and the thought of ever wearing faux anything is enough to send her to the powder room in tears. She hangs out at expensive hotel bars and loves to bond over bonds. A man’s stock rising is more important than his need for Viagra, and a flash of the AmEx Black Card is the ultimate turn-on.

7. The High-Maintenance Sister – This sister loves to be spoiled, relishes bubble baths, adores pink, and refuses to drink beer or sit in any place that serves it for that matter. She abhors sporting events or anything that gets her even slightly dirty. She would never eat a hamburger from a concession stand, and the trait she is most proud of is her ability to cry on cue to get what she wants.

She secretly believes that being called “high maintenance” is a good thing. After all, high maintenance is the trait that ensures that she is never late getting her waxing. If she is always sending food back, pouting when her beau wants to sit and watch the game, or can’t go anywhere without her Chihuahua/Louis Vuitton bag, chances are she needs to stop drowning everyone in her prissiness and learn to go with the flow.  

There you have it. The WAFS site was probably founded by one of these seven sisters. My advice to these women: If you can’t beat him, join him. That will probably get him back on the boyfriend/husband bus during the season. 

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